Yeah, I'm gonna post on this blog like once a decade. Feel the excitement.So let's pick up where we left off, shall we? Seems appropriate today, since the 'Cards just secured their first ever Super Bowl berth. I can't decide whether or not to feel bad for my Dad's "Iggles" or to be excited to watch Larry Fitzgerald make more insane catches. But back to fantasy.You know why I really can’t play fantasy football? I care too much. Yup, I simply am too passionate about the game, and particularly the teams that play it. I love two teams, like only a handful, and either actively dislike or outright hate over a dozen. Let’s examine those teams and how they significantly handicap any of my possible chances in fantasy ball.
Here’s what I think of every team in the league. Yes, your team is in here somewhere. Yes, you hate me because I’m a Patriots fan, but hear me out – you’ll probably also hate at least one or two teams that I hate, and in this we can find common ground!
The Team I love like a fine IPA: New England Patriots
This would be inexcusable if I weren’t from New England originally. It’s where I grew up and where I first started getting into football; the first game I saw live was Pats vs. 49ers. The Pats were horrendous for years, but as soon as the Kraft family took over, suddenly there was pride in Pats land, and I loved it. We endured a LOT of miserable years before the current domination, so I don’t want to hear about how much you hate my team, how they are cheaters or how all fans are like Fitzy. They’re my guys and I’ll always root for them.
The Local Team I enjoy like a tap cream soda: Minnesota Vikings
I live in Minnesota now and it’s virtually impossible not to root for the team that I get to watch every week. I love this team and pull for them as long as they’re not playing the Pats – which luckily is usually only every 4 years. You can’t call me a sports bigamist because these teams aren’t rivals – it’s not like I live in Miami and root for the Dolphins. Plus this way I get to root for a generally winning franchise that has still never won the Super Bowl. Say what you will, but they’ve never been boring.
Teams I casually enjoy like a free bag of chips
As long as these teams aren’t playing against one of my favorites, I will casually root for them. I have no serious attachment to any of them but due to liking some of their players or coaches either now or in the past, I’ll get behind them here and there.
Tennessee, Pittsburgh, Carolina, Philadelphia, Green Bay, New Orleans…
…and Buffalo: When I first started to seriously follow football in the early ‘90s, the Pats simply stunk. I was desperate for an AFC team to “represent”. Buffalo was an obvious choice, with an exciting offense and great guys like Thurman Thomas, Steve Tasker, and Don Beebe on the team. Then they subsequently went on to break my heart in 4 consecutive Super Bowls. Also note that they lost to three teams topping my “teams I hate” list. Not a coincidence.
You know what the weird thing was? I also picked an NFC team with a fun offense to root for casually at the time: the Vikes. How prophetic of me…
Teams I totally pass on at the buffet
There’s really not much point in getting into these, other than how short the list is: 10. Less than one-third of teams in the NFL I am completely neutral on, and look at how darn BAD some of these have been on a perennial basis. How could I compete in fantasy football when these are the guys I would have to root for?
Arizona, Chicago, Jacksonville, Houston, Cleveland, Seattle, San Francisco, Kansas City, Cincinnati, Detroit.
Teams I actively dislike somewhat more than overcooked broccoli
NY Jets, Miami, San Diego, Oakland, St. Louis. I have my reasons.
Teams that make me puke on myself
Tampa Bay: No Vikings fan will ever like the Bucs. Can’t happen. Too much baggage there. Let’s just say the Tampa-Oakland Super Bowl was like a nightmare for me and leave it at that.
Baltimore: Formerly known as the original Cleveland Browns, and the most boring Super Bowl champions of the modern era. All defense, no fun. Billick was so high on himself I kept expecting him to go into helium-voice during press conferences. When Ray Lewis is the face of your franchise, I’m just not gonna like you, even if he was cleared in that murder investigation.
Atlanta: NFC Championship game from 1998 season. I really don’t want to talk about it.
Denver: You know, I’m sure glad Elway got his championship(s) before retiring and had the good sense to get off the field (unlike a certain Jets QB who can’t figure out how to retire) and out of the spotlight, because otherwise we’d probably have to listen to him whine every week like Dan Marino. But Mike Shanahan thought he was god’s gift to coaching, when it was clear he couldn’t win anything without Elway. Throw in the chop-blocking offensive line and the 2006 playoffs, and my stomach can’t stop churning.
Dallas: How can you claim to be “America’s Team” when every fan of yours in America is a total jerk? When your owner has had so many facelifts he looks like he’ll melt under hot lights? When your biggest stars include coke heads (Michael Irvin), potheads (Nate Newton), self-obsessed whiners (Terrell Owens), and choke artists (Tony Romo)? When your pudgy little ex-coach cared more about his hair than his players? Need I go on?
Washington: Skins fans, I hope you’re enjoying Dan Snyder, the world’s worst owner, because nothing makes me happier than seeing him in charge of a team I despise.
Indianapolis, NY Giants: Manning brothers. ‘Nuff said.
There you have it. How can I even hope to compete in fantasy when I’m overrating my favorite teams, talking myself into things like “Tarvaris Jackson is ready to make the leap!” and “New England’s Defense isn’t THAT old!”? Do I really stand a chance when I really can’t stand the teams that employ fantasy studs like Peyton Manning, LaDanian Tomlinson, Clinton Portis, Jeff Garcia, and Jay Cutler? I say no. So I say "no thanks" when pals come around inviting me into fantasy leagues. I just care too darn much.
